Jess' secret love...

So, it's now September, and I am probably cheating everyone who reads this because I don't remember everything but I will give it my best shot.  (Actually, it's June 2018 - almost 11 years after the events.  I would imagine that the statute of limitations applies.  However, I can confirm that this was written in Sept. 2007 - how do I miss finishing all these posts??????)

Of course, the unthinkable happens on the boat. We walk on over to the port - it wasn't a bad walk and we're there early, waiting with a bunch of people. So, we're Mackin' - we're in business class because there weren't any regular seats left. One of the men who show you where you sit is like - "No you can't take your packs with you." This after the first guy tells us otherwise. We tell him that the other guy said we're supposed to take them and he still says no. So, we do what good Europeans would do: We ignore him. We walk to our seat and place them in the overhead compartment.

We're sitting and getting relaxed - I'm picking some class of fruit or nut, non-dairy non-gluten stuff out of Jess' pack (in other words, I'm getting some grass) and I hear Jess go, "No way!" and of course, there's some 12 year old and her sister and her mom and dad and they're from Jess' school distrtict and she taught the girl.

Mind you, we're on a boat from Crete to Mykonos - not even in like the airport in Athens or something. So, we're all chatting and the girls' mother is like, "Wow - is nothing sacred?" and we're all chatting and I'm thinking, I know there's NO WAY we're going to see any of MY kids.

So we get to Mykonos and there are tons of people there with signs when you get off the ferry. Not only are they picking people up but they are there trying to drum up business for their hotels and campgrounds. It was pretty crazy and we missed our woman but asked and someone was able to point her out to us. We jump in her crappy van with her daughter and head up to our place.

We're driving along and chatting and we take a left and head up a hill. It's a large hill. It's the hill we read about on someone's review of the place on TripAdvisor. The hill is even larger than the guy said it was and it's getting steeper by the minute. The woman slows down and then pulls up like she's going to be making a three point turn.

We're in reverse and she steps on the gas and we're headed abckwards. The streets aren't very wide - ok, they're like barely a one car road and she's cruising at like 15 mph - like a champ. She gets to her driveway and bangs a left in reverse and heads down and it's freaking crazy steep. Bam - we're in the parking spot.

It was the most amazing thing of the whole trip.

We hop out and into our room and it's the usual - beds, TV (in English) and AC. We take off our packs and immediately wash our clothes. We have none. We're both at the end of our wardrobe - so we wash like mad and drape our clothes on the wall of our patio. The sun was blazing and they actually dried really fast. It was pretty sweet and not a bad view to dry over if you're a piece of clothing. Or a person I guess. We overlooked the old port.

We decided to head down and into Mykonos Town. I'm not 100% postitive but I think we went an grabbed some lunch and then just walked around checking out the billion touristy shops. There was a ton of places. So after it became really hot, we decided to get some drinks. Of course, we did our usual grab a beer and a Smirnoff for Jess. We saw a road that looked like it headed down towards the water - so we followed it and found a small rocky beach where the locals were hanging out and swimming. The people looked a bit shady and the like 8 or 9 year old boy was running around and swimming naked but aside from that, it was a pretty cool spot to sit and relax and have a drink or two. We picked up a bunch more drinks to put into our fridge and began the death march up the hill. Holy shit - the heat, the walk, the hot ass pavement - we were soaked. We could not stop sweating. The plastic bag that the drinks were in was cutting the circulation to my fingers and they were killing me. We finally made it and got to the patio - I stripped off my shirt and put it on the wall to dry in the sun. By the wall though, there was a surprise - this cute little cat.

Like most people, Jess made fun of my name before it hit her  just how fucking cool it is. She and her sister, Ali (remember the name), started this whole, Neilly McNeil Neil thing - and they're not the only ones of course (and now she has a son with the name, so I win). When Jess likes to bust my balls, she'll whip out a, "Ok, Crany McCrank Crank" to which the usual response from me is "take it easy Blankey McBlank Blank (you can fill in the blanks - and it's all in good fun) and we joke around. So of course, what did I name the cat? That's right, Catty McCat Cat. The cat was really sweet and hung around on the porch with us the whole time we were there. As a matter of fact, Catty McCat Cat even made an impression on Jess the Animal Hater.

We decided to hang out and relax a bit - the sun was going down soon and I of course, needed to take about 1000 pics which I did with no problem. Anyway - I think we just hung out and had some drinks, went to dinner and grabbed some groceries - including tuna for Catty - who got some good meals thanks to me - and might I add, the tuna was a little expensive. The place is surrounded by water - you'd think fish wouldn't be so pricey. There are some other pics like the one to the left - they remind me of Star Wars, the first one, which is really the fourth one. But it's interesting how the fourth one, which is really the first one starts the way the third one, which is really the sixth one (when you think about it) ends. I'm pretty sure that's how we ended the night - finishing up some drinks and feeding Catty.

The next day we headed to the beach. There's a ton to pick from and since neither of us felt like partying like rock stars or with all the gay dudes, we went to one of the calmer ones. Of course, people always talk about topless beaches. OOOOoooo - there's gonna be boobies. Sure there's boobies but it's always the boobies that you don't want to see. One woman was so heinous she looked like something out of Greek mythology. Worse, now that we're home and we watched the rest of the season of Big Love that we missed, this woman looked like Selma Green. If you've seen her, er it, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. Worse, is that she, er it, kept standing up and facing the entire beach, puffing on a cigarette and her nasty football shaped tits were pointing all over the place. Awesome I saw boobs in Greece. Unfortunately, I am now blind.

So, we get chairs because there is no room on the beach for a towel let alone Selma's football shaped tits. The deal is, you have to have lunch at the restaurant that you're sitting in front of. Personally, I think it is a scam but no big deal we have to eat anyway. I figure the nasuea from seeing her tits will eventually subside and I will want to get some gyro for the 8ooth time. We did a lot of people watching - especially the Asians who were not giving the peace sign but were giving massages. They're always doing something with their hands. This one young chick got worked over for like an hour. I couldn't believe it. We eventually start talking to the people next to us who are from....Jersey. Then of course, these really disgusting people sat next to us. The fat women kept making the African guys selling fake pocketbooks take off every one of the 3,000 they carried on them just to get the one nearest their armpits. I'm guessing she smelled like shit too because those guys stink, it's super hot and deodorant apparently is a luxury in Europe. Worse, is after they got her the smelly armpitted bag, she didn't buy it. She did this to all five that were working the beach. So this same woman gets one of the Asians to give her a foot massage.

That poor bastard.

He was working those big, swollen, nasty feet for a good half hour. He was sweating like a mad man. I would have wiped all my sweat off and on to her feet and pretended like it was baby oil or something. She deserved it. Then this nasty fat guy sits down with his wife and mother-in-law and kid, or some such configuration because we coudln't figure out who was who - because the young chick was way too young for him, yet she was laying with him all weird on the chair so we were totally confused. Of course, the fat sweaty bastard takes his shirt off and is sitting there in his Speedo type suit. Then the fucker gets a massage! Me and the guy from Jersey start cracking jokes about how rough of a job that Asian guy has then about how the Speedo has it worse. He was greasing the guy up - rolling his fat rolls all over the place. When he was done the fat fucker called him back and made him massage his feet as part of the deal. I couldn't believe it.

We had lunch and Jess went ga-ga over some grileld eggplant dish, so she called the owner over and got the recipe for Niko's Grilled Eggplant. Around three or 3:30 we head back to the spot to get the bus back to Mykonos Town. When we got back to our room, the real fun began.

We decided to sit out on the patio - me in a chair and Jess on the lounger with, you guessed it Catty McCat Cat. That's right, Jess "I hate animals" Hoffmann and the cat, all curled up together. Jess starts telling me about some bullshit story how earlier in the day, she was out there reading and the cat kept trying to crawl up on her and snuggle with her. I'm trying to tell her that animals are pretty smart, they have good instincts and I am sure that Catty knows that given the opportunity, you would shave her. Jess continues to try to lure me in to her nonsense story and then the amazing happens...Jess starts to pet Catty. Jess claims that she is really trying to keep the cat off her but really, look at that face. Does that look like the face of someone who doesn't want the cat on her? Jess and Catty couldn't be any happier. They're on Mykonos, the sun is going down and they're... what's this? They're snuggling!

Yes, snuggling! I couldn't believe it. I had never seen this side of Jess before. Despite all the horrible things she says, she really does love animals, and I know, that there is hope that she will eventually love the dog that I plan to get in the future. Have you ever seen anyone this happy to snuggle with an animal?

Loathing, fear and disgust? Never would I use those words to describe the utter joy Jess feels when she is close with animals. Look at those tears of joy. They could have been tears of sorrow because we were leaving the next day and she could no longer snuggle with Catty but she knew, deep in her heart that Catty could not live on a different Island - she belonged to Mykonos and would remain there as would Jess' love for her feline friend.

Knossos - Archaelogical Rembrandt

I know Jess felt cheated when she went into the Rembrandt room and there was only one - but Knossos as it turns out, may be complete and total bullshit.

Apparently, Sir Arthur Evans, a wealthy Brit bought the entire area and began excavations. He was no archaelogist - no educational background, no history degree, no scientific base. Just some rich dude who figured he could dig this shit up and make his own interpretations. Now, if I really jog my memory, I am sure I knew this but I didn't remember and felt totally fucking cheated. The palace is REAL and the things you see are as they were (for the most part) but Evans did take some artistic license when reconstructing portions of the palace. As a historian, I don't know what the fuck he was thinking. That's as blatantly technical as I can be. By doing this, he totally calls everything at the site into question. He doesn't know if this was a house, a sotrehouse, a temple, etc. He made uneducated guesses at what all this stuff was. In addition, since he had no clue what he was doing, who knows how much shit was lost when he and these other fools were digging through all the rock. What a dick!

Anyway, it's supposedly a Minoan palace. Some of which can be dated back to 7000 BC. The mythology surrounding the place is that this is where King Minos had Daedalus create the maze where he kept the Minotaur. As the story goes, no one knew its secrets except the Kings daughter and she used it to get Thesues out. Then the King got pissed and imprisoned Daedalus and Icarus but Daedalus made wings out of wax, Icarus flew too close to the sun and then his wings melted and he hit the ground. Blah blah blah...I'm still pissed that this guy made shit up about what was what and the whole day was f'ed because I was questioning everything. Friggin' spoiled Brit.















That being said, being in a place where there are structures from 7000 BC is pretty cool. I just have to wonder how much stuff was lost or destroyed and how much did we loose in understanding ancient civilizations because this guy wanted to play explorer.


We spent the night in Iraklion. The hotel was a little old in decor but there was nothing to complain about. It was quiet and clean and most importantly, we paid the extra 5 euro and had AC. The bathroom had one of those old toilets, with the box and the pull string. I was just praying that Clemenza was able to get the gun taped to the back of it so I could come out and wack Sollozo and McClusky. The town itself, of what we saw of it down by the water was cool. It had a lot of old stuff that belonged to the Venetians who contolled the city for a long time. You can see St. Marks Lion, the sign of Venice on parts of the old fort. Other than that, we did our usual, walked around and checked out the scene - had some dinner and hung out. We pretty nuch relaxed because we had to get up and get on the ferry to Mykonos in the am. After coming back to the hotel we went out for another quick walk because there was a church that was lit up and looked really cool and I wanted to go back and snap a few shots of it. Afterwards, we just went back and hit the sack.







PS - Just a quick story - so sometimes when we get back to the room in the afternoon, I will sit on the bed and chill while we decide what we're gonna do. Inevitably, if Jess doesn't get a call or make one, she will ask me if I am gonna nap and then start doing some Sudoku. My answer is usually, I dunno, I'm just laying down and relaxing. Of course, I know I am going to nap and I usually fight it. After like the first couple of times I stop myself from naping, she will make a, "Uh not sleeping, huh?" comment. I growl - and go to sleep. She thought she would be funny and take a picture of me not sleeping. Little did she know, that I had one of her with her mouth open on the bus to Iraklion.

Hania and the Samaria Gorge

Amazing!

What else can I say? We got in to the cab AND the price was exactly what we expected! I guess there are limited opportunities for money in Crete and so they don't mess with you.

It was pretty late when we got in and we decided to walk around and see what was going on. The streets and the shops were open very late and we walked around and loked at a lot of stuff that we knew we weren't going to buy because we didn't feel like carrying it around for the rest of the trip.

We made it down to the old port and it was pretty cool. There is an old Venetian lighthouse and lots of people watching and so interesting looking signs for bars. There were some really old buildings above the shops. They looked really shoddy even in the dark. I think we ended up heading back to the hotel despite Jess' portest for corn - but then again, when she saw the guy using a hairdryer to cook it, I think she dediced against it. I'm sure she didn't want any pube looking hairs, regardless if they were armpit or chest hairs near her corn. We got back and showered - it was one of those werid ones - the whole bathroom was open, so nothing separated the shower on the wall with the sink and the toilet. I guess it has its bonuses - you could legitimately pee in the shower without any repercussions.

We got up and headed to the bus station - which was actually pretty shoddy as well. We grabbed our tickets and headed out front to enjoy the fresh second-hand smoke and wait for the bus. I'm pretty sure we decided on the 7:30 bus - which would get us there and into the gorge by 9. The ride was interesting - in Hania, the temperature was 26C when we left. That's like 112F but when we got to the gorge after some crazy winding roads and some sheep evasions, it was 16C which for us is like -5F.

It was gorges - just like Ithaca (for those of you who have seen the t-shirt). The plan was to head down and into the gorge at a reasonable pace - which should get us throught the 13km within a 4-6 hour period. This means you don't take a lot of pictures (yeah right) or spend time in the "town" that is in the middle of the gorge. We had started drinking water the night before and on the way there so within the first mile or so - or at least at the first toilet stop, I had to go. After handing over the camera to Jess, I waited on a long line that probably took 10 minutes longer than it needed to. There was a lot of giggling and talk in other languages as I waited to pee. So now I'm thinking, "What the fuck is it going to be inside there." In general, it's not a problem for me, I'll pee anywhere - and in fact, probably have, including Navatto's leg. But that's another story. I have seen, in Red Rock Canyon in Nevada, literally, a hole in the ground and then it's a long way down for your refuse to mingle with everyone elses. I honestly didn't expect to see this - which, coincidentally, I had seen before. We encountered THAT bad boy in the train station headed back to Naples from Sorrento last year. It's not terrible if you have a penis - because I am sure it's a lot easier to aim that. But, I can see having a problem if you're a woman or if you need to drop a deuce. I think they should put handlebars of some kind nearby - in case you need the assistance. The bathroom in the gorge did not have a nice tile floor but then again that could have been an advantage - imagine slipping in here? Imagine slipping in someone's bad aim?

It was a perfect day - a bit hot once we got down into the gorge but not too bad at all. Especially if your name is Jess and you don't have a pack! Not that I'm complaining - because I volunteered to carry everything - the water and the fruit and snacks. It was a good workout for me - especially since my knees suck and I haven't been hiking too much of late. Of course, this hike was all down hill - just what the arthritis and miniscus' love. The pain was well worth it though. The gorge was amazing and the views - most of which you will get to see were awesome.

We continued on our way after a stop and about 10:30-11 decided to stop for "lunch" which was a large piece of fruit and a few handfuls of trailmix - rather than one at the break. We had just passed a bunch of people and came across a stream crossing and decided to stop there. Of course, within 5 minutes, every anus on the trail decided to stop there and take pictures. Including the German manbitch who was laying on the rocks and trying to pose all sexy like - I think it was supposed to be sexy. He looked like a jackass and was definitely no sexy.

(So, I was just about done with this post and fucking cablevision screwed up and didn't save it - I'm friggin pissed so if it really sucks from here on, blame them and not me.)

We kept our spot and didn't give it up to anyone because it had the best views. I totally could have spent the rest of the day in this spot. The water was running by, we had shade and some food. But there was still another 8 km or so left until the end. We stayed for about 15 minutes and then continued on our way - passing all the fools who had passed us while we ate in our awesome spot with the view.

As the trail got ready to descend into the gorge, it reminded me of Boynton Canyon Trail in Sedona. It kinda skirts above a drop for a bit before it gradually goes down and lets you out into the gorge. It's kinds like building you up for the big ta-da when you step into the gorge. And, it was awesome.

The walls of the gorge just surround you once you are down in it. It also got super friggin hot. I guess with the sun overhead and the rocks heating up and bouncing the heat off one another and into the gorge, it got to be about 2000 degrees and they don't want you to play in the water supply. The walls are really cool. You can see the erosion lines from I'm assuming the glaciers that cut the gorge and the water that flowed through,continuing the erosion process. Supposedly, you can see fossils in the walls but I didn't see any - must have had something to do with the distortion being caused by the 2000 degree heat.

We continued to hike - stopping once more for a break. My shoulders were starting to cramp up a bit. As you hike the last few spots along the trail you start to see people hiking it in the opposite direction - it's lile 2 PM. You can tell they were total tourists with no clue about hiking of any kind. How you could head into this place at 2 pm - the hottest time of the day, wearing fashionable sandals and in some cases flipflops and be heading uphill is beyond me. I'm guessing they're only going a little bit and then back but who knows, people are stupid. We continued on and out of the gorge and of course there are a few little stands at the end selling juice and ices and stuff so they can get you to spend some dough in your weakened state.

The worst part of the hike was to the town where you get the ferry. It is just a wide open space - the sun is beating down on you and there is no cover anywhere. It was like another mile or so and there were goats and sheep on the side and it stank like their shit. There was a cool building built into the stone - I'm assuming that it was a church. Greece is full of churches - they're small and they're everywhere and I can't imagine that they have a large enough population to support them all.

We did eventually get to the town. We bought our ferry tickets - it wouldn't leave until 3:45 - it was now about 1:30. We got lunch and relaxed for a bit. While going through the pictures, the screen on the camera went blank and an error message came up. I almost vomitted. I started to erase pictures - luckily, everything was ok except that I lost 22 pictures - most from down in the gorge. I suppose it could have been a lot worse.

We got on the ferry - it made a few stops. Some dude was sitting like right on top of me for part of the trip. I don't get the lack of understanding of personal space on this continent. WTF? Dude, get your fucking knee off me - it's not like I know you or you're my relative or something. This shit is all day everyday over here. We got off and had to look for the bus stop and tickets back because someone, I won't mention any names lost our return tickets. Of course - not having tickets can put you at a distinct disadvantage when fighitng to get on the bus.

There was this mess of a guy at the bus stop. All he did was groan. Uggghhhh... and he was big. Definitely a bit fat but he looked like he would be strong - he kinda reminded me of Thing, except he wasn't orange. He somehow managed to stand next to us and the girl from Seattle we were talking to and Jess, Ms. Sensitive turns, sees him and laughs in his face. Now, it was clear there was something wrong with this dude, he had to be retarded and non-verbal. And if it wasn't clear, all you had to do was take a whiff and note the giant wet spot on his crotch and legs. Guy pissed all over himself and he stank. It was really bad. I thought for sure he would be on our bus but he wasn't. Thank God. Surprisingly, he didn't try to touch Jess - just what I would have needed with my bummy ass knees all wobbly. I would have gotten beaten up by a retarded guy on Crete. Now that would have been a funny story!

We got back to Hania and napped, relaxed, ate and did some shopping at night. It was really cool there at night - we had to get up the next day to take the bus to Iraklion and see Knossos.

Athens - Sabbas, piles of rocks and drinks

We got in to Athens and went through the passport control without being checked. We managed to make our way to the train, thanks to a kind Greek lady who couldn't speak English but could point. Some gestures work in every language.

The train got crowded fairly quickly and these three heroin addict looking kids get on. The girls had the worst haircuts ever and I would have taken a picture but I was afraid the camera would break.

We got into the metro station and as we were coming up the escalator, there were excavations IN the station. It was really cool. As soon as we steppend outside, there was more and what we found out later on, it was Hadrian's Library. Anyway, the hotel was good, AC and a TV, with some channels in English. We dropped off our stuff, washed our faces and went to go eat and see some of the sights.

The food we got was ok but the bonus was it overlooked the Roman Agora. The Greek one had been too small. so the Romans built their own. After eating we went and got the ticket to get in to all the ancient stuff - 6 euro and you could see everything! The first thing we went to see was Hadrian's Gate. It separated the old city from the new Roman one. Inside were the remaining columns from the Temple of Zeus. They are freaking huge. There are 16 left - one fell in an earthquake in the 1800's I think and it is still sitting where it went down - what's awesome about it is you can see how many sections they built it in. There is no was to really describe how tall they are. It's not like I can compare them to a skyscraper or something but they are immense and they made us look like ants.

Next we headed back out into the blazing sun - ok, actually we never left it because we were just in a wide open space, but we headed over to the Ancient Agora - I'm guessing an agora is just the old market/business place. In this one was the Stoa of Attalos (there were Stoas everywhere we went - again, I'm guessing by what we saw, it was only some long ass building), it was fixed up by Rockeffeler, or one of our rich elite who don't know that they should be giving their money to me and not some crumbling old ass building. I mean if it was that important to begin with, they would have kept it up. There was also the Hephaesteion - the best preserved temple there. It's the one up on the hill and in every world history textbook.

We spent some time just chilling in the shade, sitting on a bench and watching the other tourists run around and hoping that we were going to get up so they could sit in the shade. Fat chance! The view was sweet and you could see everything, including the train tracks that run through the far side of the site. It's weird seeing the train run through there - more weird when we were on the train going through it.

We then walked to the Keramikos, it contained the Sacred Way which was the road to Eleusis where illustrious Athenians were buried. All I saw was more fucking piles of rocks. Maybe there was some other cool structures but I'm not sure. I think I was starting to see things it was so hot. At one point, I'm pretty sure I watched them build a friggin temple. Did I mention that it was hot?

We hoofed it back to the hotel to take a nap and cool off. All over Athens and the rest of Greece there are these little miniature churches. I though maybe they were used to memorialize old religious spots but apparently they are functional. We hung out at this one - it was our outside drinking spot to watch the bums, dogs, cats and freaks that abound in Athens. We hung out and had a few drinks - I had to keep walking back to the same little bodega place. The woman was a bitch and made faces when I asked her to open the bottles. "Sorry, I don't feel like using my teeth this evening - if you bend over I'm sure I could figure something out!" We went in there so much - and then the next day, Jess went in there on like three occasions, she wouldn't go in to get drinks. I'll sacrifice anything for a beer. We spent the rest of the night walking around for a long time before we got food. We took some pictures of Athens at night - all the cool stuff is lit up including the Acropolis - you can see it from just about everywhere in the city. It's imposing but not in the same way as the Russian monument.

We got up a little later than we had planned and headed up to the Acropolis. It's a bit of an uphill walk but when you get there it is well worth the sweat. We got to see the Parthenon, Erechtheion, Theatre of Dionysus and the Odeon of Herodes Atticus which is still in use today. They are doing a ton of work on the Parthenon which doesn't make it as cool looking but I guess you have to keep up on it if you want the tourism.

The Erechtheion is dedicated to a few gods including Athena and Poseidon -

Erechtheus was the snake bodies hero who was speared when Athena and Poseidon fought over the city's patronage. I guess Athena won. She's also prominently featured on the temple. The Acropolis overlooks the entire city - and it is really impressive how the oldest part of the city is sitting above it looking over all the new modern stuff. Jess was most amazed at how there's alway one street you can see running through the vast majority of the city.

I'm sorry, but did you miss the freaking HUGE, 3000 year old temples all around us - built before there was any type of modern equipment! I will give her this - the street does look cool - like it cut a swath through the city's buildings.

Since we were on a roll, hot, sunburned and tired, we decided to hit the Roman Agora and bang out the rest of everything we needed to see. The Greek Agora became too crowded and could no longer accomodate all the buisness they needed to conduct, so the Romans built a new one. There were tons of columns standing around and we took queer touristy pictures at them. There were lots of random dogs there as well. There were dogs all over Athens.

We were done with the rocks for the day so we headed back and got Sabbas (a really good gyro place that we would eat at like 50 times). Afterwards I napped while Jess read in the small square across from our hotel. I went down to get her after my nap and we encountered the nastiest pigeon in Europe - of course, I didn't have the camera. I think it had some kind of gangrenous infection on its food. It was so disgusting - I'm getting dry heaves thinking about it now. A couple of the bums were begining to stir - one got up and went back to sleep and Jess said, I wonder why he did that? I replied that he probably remembered that it was Sunday and he didn't have anything else to do.

We decided to be bums and get a drink and hang out at the church. Sounds sacriligious but I assure you that it wasn't. On the way there we hear this friggin mayhem - and OF COURSE, I do not have the camera with me. Walking through the streets in a parade like style are all these hippy looking fools juggling. I shit you not, juggling. Balls, pins, that goddamn diablo thing - anything they can get their hands on. Some are on stilts, others balancing balls on their heads none are wearing deodorant. It was pretty cool and the media was there. Apparently it is some kind of get together and as it turns out on the news on the ferry a few days later, there were about 4,000 of them - juggling, stitlting and no deodoranting. We ended up having a few more drinks, getting Sabbas and hanging out.

We got up to get to the ferry the next morning and I went and got a haircut. This was probably Jess' favorite part of the trip because the beard was on week 5 and part of it was on month 2 and counting. We got to the ferry and began the deat march to the departures spot - which had to be at least 123 km away from the metro. And I think 123 km equals 34 miles and our packs were now bulging at 75lbs.

We had gotten a bunch of postcards and mailed them out - including the one on the left here. Sure you may blush - but how the hell could I not send that one to Cappy - on the inside it said "Thinking of you...and Scotty" and if you know Roach, you can appreciate the humor. If not, it's still funny to think we considered sending it to Jess' cousin Zach - the King of the Gay Joke. Jess also sent it to her friend Tony - I considered sending it to anyone who's address I had - luckily, I didn't have many on me.

The ferry ride to Crete wasn't too bad. It was long - about 7 hours. But overall it wasn't bad. There was this annoying rug next to my seat and when I would leave my pack in the isle people would move the rug and it would bunch up. The people started tripping. The little kids in front of me loved it and waited for the next person to come and trip. I kept fixing the rug but it kept moving. Someone moved it away from my pack and somehow it moved again and got bunched and some little girl was dancing by and she went flying. The boys were laughing and I could no longer contain myself. Though I moved the pack again, some old lady came by and took a MAJOR spill. I didn't laugh but the boys were and I am not quite sure how I didn't.

Jess asked the crew people the best spot to get off the boat at and they told her and that it would be happeneing in about 15 minutes. We got our packs on and headed over to the area where people were already lining up. About 45 minutes later we began to move down the steps. It was crowded and of course, the pieces of shit are pushing and jockeying for position. It's really annoying but I have my secret weapon, my Keen sandals, which honestly smell like vomit. Jess had one guy almost knock her down the stairs she turned around and politely asked him what the fuck his problem was. I was battling my own Greeks, sitting on my pack, trying to slink past me otherwise I would have explained it to him in a language he would have understood. We stood there for like another halfhour or so while they let the fucking cars off. People kept inching up and I felt like the guy on the postcard but despite the body odor and the start of the smoking marathon in a non smoking area, we survived, got a cab and headed to our hotel.

A Bird in Hand, Unfortunately Didn't Poop

We made it to Helsinki and got checked at passport - got a stamp with a little boat on it. We made it over to our hostel and it was mad old inside. Real old - and the decor in the room was hideous. Really hideous. Of this, I did take pictures. It was really nasty. The room was big and pretty clean but man was it ugly.

We decided to walk around anc chek out the sights. There wasn't too much. We saw Tuomiokirkko which is a Lutheran Cathedral. It is VERY white and on top of a hill that overlooks this main square. We walked around and found some caches - checked out the sights. Of course, while looking for one cache this guy stands right next to where we need to look and then just stands there. He looks like a friggin pedaphile. So Jess pulls her, I'm going to make people feel uncomfortable move and stands right next to him. Right in his ass. There's nothing else around him. He realizes it and turns around all startled and looks at her. Then walks like 20 feet away and starts feeding the pigeons, like a dick, and they all come swarming around. Again, he's startled apparently he didn't know that when you feed one, every pigeon in Europe knows and descends on the spot.

Jerkoff finally walks away and we look for the cache but it's not there. We walk down the street to our next destination and stop to look for soap. The don't have anything Jess wants so we head out and who's there - pigeon boy. Like he's following us or something. I take his picture just so we have it. He then walks in another direction.

We Finnish (get it?) looking around and decide to go and get food. We walk. And walk. And finally get to where the place is supposed to be and it's not there. Then we go to another place and it's way more expensive than the book says so we say forget it and head to this Tex-Mex place we saw, Iguanas.

I know Jess is fiendin' Pancho's and so am I so we head in. We get margeritas - served in a wine glass???? and order some food. It comes out and it sucks. It's really just crappy. Mine is bad, hers is bad, the chips and crappy guacamole is bad. It's bad. We decide that there will be no more attempts at Mexican or something similar for the rest of the trip. Pancho's will have to wait until we get home.

We headed back to the hostel both feeling a little ill. She showers, then I go to the other one on the floor. I lean on the sink to look in the mirror and the f'n thing almost comes out of the wall. I jumped back to get my weight off it and it snaps back into place. That was pretty damn close. I should have realized that the place was old and that I shouldn't be leaning on anything. Luckily the shower is ok and I get out with few of the problems faced during encounters with others of his kind on the continent.

We got up the next morning and headed to Suomenlinna - these five interconnected islands that used to be a Sweedish fortifications. They were pretty cool. It was agreat day and an awesome opportunity for pictures. The coast was very pretty. We stopped to eat some fruit out on some rocks and this momma duck and her babies came over and hung out and we tossed them some apple pieces. The Jess, who's fascinated by "hoppy" birds, is all happy that a hoppy is coming up next to her, so I tell her to put some food in her hand, I bet the bird will hop on and get it. She does and of course, I'm not ready to take a picture of it and the bird hops on and grabs the apple.

Of course we have to do it again - and this time I get the shot. Of course, it's only a hand and there's no proof that it's Jess' so, I guess you'll have to take our word for it. I was hoping hoppy would poopy in her hand but he/she did not. Then some seagull looking m'fers and some pigeons come over and ruin the fun so we got up and headed back towards the ferry. We just missed it and got a drink and then the next ferry.

We got to the dock and did some shopping at the open airmarket. Also got lunch. Jess got a bunch of fruit and I got some fresh salmon and potato plate that we really good. We're sitting there eating and its these long tables and this Spanish family sits next to us. One of them drops a bottle of soda and it shoots everywhere - some gets on Jess and they say sorry, so it's ok. But then the son - who's like 18, is wiping up the soda off himself and the table and the prick throws the napkins on the ground. Not even like one little napkin - but a whole bunch - everytime he wips up a drop of liquid. What a dick! He made a huge friggin' mess. I can't stand them - how I didn't notice them last year is beyond me.

We headed back and took a nap. We then walked to see Temppeliaukio Church - which is built in a rock. It was very cool and very different looking. We then headed back with some hobo dinner and did some laundry. Some of our clothes shrunk a little - even after the world's slowest talking Finn assured us that they wouldn't. Nothing too noticeable - just tight in some spots you'd prefer them not to be tight on. We slept and got up at 4 so that we could head to the airport by bus. People were still out at 5 when we got to the station - one guy almost stumbled on to Jess - thought he might barf on her too. Of course, I get yelled at for not saying he was coming near her. The airport wasn't too bad because everyone had assigned seats so poeple weren't killing each other to get on.

It's on to Greece!